Trusting God's Sovereignty Yet Still Feeling the Sting....

It's been almost a year since my last entry...but I'm not offering excuses or pleasantries....I'm here to spill out my raw emotions...

It took 1.5 years to conceive my son.  We experienced a pregnancy that I couldn't even imagine was possible.  It was horrible...yet I loved every minute of it.  We had a beautiful birth.  We have an amazing blessing who just happened to turn 7 a few weeks ago.  He is such a joy to our lives.  I can't imagine life without him, yet I feel a deep emptiness and longing.  It's been almost 6 full years of trying and trusting for another blessing. I have heard that I should be happy and at peace that I at least have him....  I shouldn't take him for granted...this economy isn't a place to raise anymore children....I am selfish for wanting more children in these uncertain times...I am selfish for wanting more because some women don't have any....and on it goes.  The endless tirades about how I should feel....well here's a news flash....I don't. 

This is how I feel...

I feel lonely.  This road of infertility is lonely.  I know that others are suffering the same way that I am, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel alone.  The topic of infertility makes people uncomfortable...especially for the ones who become pregnant without trying.  It's taboo....it's a topic that is avoided.  Why??  I think that for the most part people just don't know what to say to someone who is struggling.  But the very worst thing that you could do is avoid the topic.  Don't make me feel that my pain isn't real or worthy of comfort. 

I feel unblessable.  I made up that word, but it is how I feel.  Sometimes, when I least expect it, I am hit with feelings of utter despair.  I feel like I must have done something to deserve this.   Am I a bad mother?  What am I being punished for?  What can I do to find favor in the Lord's eyes? 

I feel jealous.  I am the one who hears the good news, and congratulates the newly pregnant mommy with the biggest, goofiest grin I can muster, coupled with a way too high pitched voice, trembling hands and darting eyes, looking for the nearest exit, so that I can hide and spill out my grief and jealousy through my tears.  I don't want to feel jealous...but I am human.  I want to be truly excited for you...but it just rubs my pain raw.

I feel angry.  Why are women blessed with babies and can't see it.  It makes me so angry when I hear women complain that they are once again pregnant, and don't want to be.  It makes me angry that some women turn up pregnant every time they look at their husband.  It makes me angry that teenagers get pregnant.  It makes me angry that babies are conceived and aborted...they are not disposable!!!  It makes me angry that babies are conceived, carried to term, and then are murdered at the hands of the people who should have protected them!

I feel confusion.  Why am I plagued with the longing of a big family...when it just doesn't seem like that's what the Lord has for me.  I just wish that He would take these feelings away from me. 

I feel empty and broken.  I am a woman...why does my body not work like it was designed?   I feel defective.  I feel unwomanly.

I feel like a huge letdown.  I know that my husband doesn't feel like this, but sometimes I think that he MUST be disappointed in me.  I should be able to do more for him.  I should be able to give him more children.

I feel ignored.  Sometimes it seems that this road I am on is ignored.  Please don't ignore me.  Please don't make me feel over emotional.  Sometimes I need my emotions to be validated by those closest to me.  I need to feel held up and supported by others when I can't seem to stand on my own.

I feel looked down on.

I feel tired.

I feel embarrassed. 

I feel guilty. 

I feel ugly.

I feel unlovable.

I feel burdened.

I feel weak.

I feel overly educated.  I really don't need anybody else telling me how and when and how often we should be baby dancing.  I don't need you to tell me what we MUST be doing wrong.  Don't tell me your special secrets to becoming pregnant.  Don't tell me that I need to see a doctor.  Trust me....I have tried it all!  You are not telling me anything new.

I feel mean.  See the above comment. :-)

I feel worn out.

I feel hollow.

But through it all...I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I am Loved by an Almighty God.  I know that when I am feeling all of these human emotions I can take it to the foot of the cross, lay it down and worship His holy name!  I know that when others fail me or I fail myself, that HE never does.  The Creator of the World, loves me more than I can ever know and He has a plan for my life...much bigger than I can ever imagine.  He cares for me, He holds me up in my darkest hour.  I completely trust His Sovereignty...even though I have to muddle through these overly human emotions....