Trusting God's Sovereignty Yet Still Feeling the Sting....

It's been almost a year since my last entry...but I'm not offering excuses or pleasantries....I'm here to spill out my raw emotions...

It took 1.5 years to conceive my son.  We experienced a pregnancy that I couldn't even imagine was possible.  It was horrible...yet I loved every minute of it.  We had a beautiful birth.  We have an amazing blessing who just happened to turn 7 a few weeks ago.  He is such a joy to our lives.  I can't imagine life without him, yet I feel a deep emptiness and longing.  It's been almost 6 full years of trying and trusting for another blessing. I have heard that I should be happy and at peace that I at least have him....  I shouldn't take him for granted...this economy isn't a place to raise anymore children....I am selfish for wanting more children in these uncertain times...I am selfish for wanting more because some women don't have any....and on it goes.  The endless tirades about how I should feel....well here's a news flash....I don't. 

This is how I feel...

I feel lonely.  This road of infertility is lonely.  I know that others are suffering the same way that I am, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel alone.  The topic of infertility makes people uncomfortable...especially for the ones who become pregnant without trying.  It's taboo....it's a topic that is avoided.  Why??  I think that for the most part people just don't know what to say to someone who is struggling.  But the very worst thing that you could do is avoid the topic.  Don't make me feel that my pain isn't real or worthy of comfort. 

I feel unblessable.  I made up that word, but it is how I feel.  Sometimes, when I least expect it, I am hit with feelings of utter despair.  I feel like I must have done something to deserve this.   Am I a bad mother?  What am I being punished for?  What can I do to find favor in the Lord's eyes? 

I feel jealous.  I am the one who hears the good news, and congratulates the newly pregnant mommy with the biggest, goofiest grin I can muster, coupled with a way too high pitched voice, trembling hands and darting eyes, looking for the nearest exit, so that I can hide and spill out my grief and jealousy through my tears.  I don't want to feel jealous...but I am human.  I want to be truly excited for you...but it just rubs my pain raw.

I feel angry.  Why are women blessed with babies and can't see it.  It makes me so angry when I hear women complain that they are once again pregnant, and don't want to be.  It makes me angry that some women turn up pregnant every time they look at their husband.  It makes me angry that teenagers get pregnant.  It makes me angry that babies are conceived and aborted...they are not disposable!!!  It makes me angry that babies are conceived, carried to term, and then are murdered at the hands of the people who should have protected them!

I feel confusion.  Why am I plagued with the longing of a big family...when it just doesn't seem like that's what the Lord has for me.  I just wish that He would take these feelings away from me. 

I feel empty and broken.  I am a woman...why does my body not work like it was designed?   I feel defective.  I feel unwomanly.

I feel like a huge letdown.  I know that my husband doesn't feel like this, but sometimes I think that he MUST be disappointed in me.  I should be able to do more for him.  I should be able to give him more children.

I feel ignored.  Sometimes it seems that this road I am on is ignored.  Please don't ignore me.  Please don't make me feel over emotional.  Sometimes I need my emotions to be validated by those closest to me.  I need to feel held up and supported by others when I can't seem to stand on my own.

I feel looked down on.

I feel tired.

I feel embarrassed. 

I feel guilty. 

I feel ugly.

I feel unlovable.

I feel burdened.

I feel weak.

I feel overly educated.  I really don't need anybody else telling me how and when and how often we should be baby dancing.  I don't need you to tell me what we MUST be doing wrong.  Don't tell me your special secrets to becoming pregnant.  Don't tell me that I need to see a doctor.  Trust me....I have tried it all!  You are not telling me anything new.

I feel mean.  See the above comment. :-)

I feel worn out.

I feel hollow.

But through it all...I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I am Loved by an Almighty God.  I know that when I am feeling all of these human emotions I can take it to the foot of the cross, lay it down and worship His holy name!  I know that when others fail me or I fail myself, that HE never does.  The Creator of the World, loves me more than I can ever know and He has a plan for my life...much bigger than I can ever imagine.  He cares for me, He holds me up in my darkest hour.  I completely trust His Sovereignty...even though I have to muddle through these overly human emotions....

I'm saying no to Resolutions...

Well it's 7 days into the new year and I haven't made any resolutions...and I'm not going to!  When I make resolutions I fail pretty early in the year and then I feel badly!  So no more!  Instead I have decided to break it down into monthly goals.  If I make a goal and give myself  one month to complete it or at least make a habit out of it, I am more likely to succeed.  And that makes Momma happy! :-)

I will post what my goal is at the beginning of every month and also I will try to update on my progress.  I am hoping that this method will keep me accountable and by the end of 2012 I have 12 projects completed or habits learned!  Please pray for me in this endeavor and if you want to join me, please do!  Let me know because I would love to encourage you along the way and I certainly could use the encouragement!

My goal for January is going to be a smaller project due to a trip we are taking at the end of January, which I'll tell you about in another post.  Because we own our business and I am the Business Manager we have paperwork filed everywhere!  With tax season upon us I feel like I really need to get better organized.  At the end of December I already started that project and it is moving along nicely.  However, I am also the Business Manager of my home, like many of you.  We all know how much paperwork needs to be filed away, shredded, purged, organized, etc!  Ladies, it is time!  January is the month that my personal filing cabinet will be getting her overhaul!  I will need several...several days for this undertaking.  Purging is the big step that I need to overcome!  I am fairly organized when it comes to filing but I keep EVERYTHING for a really long time!  The problem I have is that I that I hate to waste time at my paper shredder and I refuse to throw anything in the trash that has ANY personal information on it.  We were under a burn ban for months and months so I couldn't even burn...so I have way, WAY to much stuff to be disposed of properly.  Not to mention a GIGANTIC stack of junk mail that needs to be shredded.

So this January my goal is to get my filing cabinet under control and also make a habit of shredding when necessary.  By the end of January I hope to not have ANY stacks of papers anywhere and for my filing cabinet to shut properly! :-)

Let me know what you think and if you have any goals this month! If you have a minute please send up a prayer that God will help me along the way!  Thanks in advance!  Blessings to you this beautiful Saturday afternoon!

Intentionally Living in 2012

I am a homemaker.  I love being a homemaker.  I typically find so much joy in serving my family.  However, the last few months I have felt so absent.  My family has gone through some yuck, but we have made it through to the other side and it's time that I pull up my boot straps and keep on trucking. 

The last few months my house got cleaned when it was dirty, picked up when it was messy, meals made when there were hungry bellies (usually), school was accomplished - albeit half heartedly, and my prayers to my Heavenly Father were seriously lacking in heart and soul!   I trudged through the day, sun up to sun down, fell into bed at night, complained to God that nothing I did really mattered to anyone, slept restlessly and got up early in the morning and did it all over again.  I was just existing and allowing my days to fly by, just to get to the next day.  I missed so much!  I missed playing and reading to Arrow - for fun.  I missed laughing with the Mister and cuddling on the couch.  I missed looking out over all I accomplished in the day and feeling joy.  But most importantly I missed having a close relationship with my Creator God!  My only goal was to get though the day.  This has been an exhausting way to live! 

I want to head into this new year with a new outlook.  I want to remember WHY I stay at home, WHY I homeschool and WHY taking care of my husband and son are not drudgery that keeps me in bondage but why its total freedom!  I want to fall into bed at night, exhausted but joyful, thank God for the family He has blessed me with, remember Who I am truly doing this for and enjoy a blessed sleep that God promises.

In this new year, with God's help I am going to INTENTIONALLY  make my home a haven for my family,  INTENTIONALLY  teach my son, not only academically but Biblically, INTENTIONALLY  feed my family wholesome nutritious meals, INTENTIONALLY  love my husband so he finds joy in coming home and  INTENTIONALLY  grow closer to the ONE who makes my life possible!

So hears to a fresh start and a fresh out look on Homemaking!  I pray that you will join me and find some encouragement in my imperfect but from-the-heart ramblings!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!  I pray blessings over you and your households for 2012!  May you grow closer to the One who has given us with another year.  May everything that your hands find to do, be done unto the Lord!

Blessings...